The memory of where I am from
fades like a page from a Thomas guide
left to soak in the rain and bake in the sun
of this wilderness.
A stranger here, I am twice removed. – Th in SoC, 2003.
My first stop after leaving my abusive church was a group of people who structured their meetings in a manner very similar to the church I had left. In fact, there are many such groups, and they can trace their roots, more or less, to a movement which began in Ireland and England during the late 1800’s. They all believed that because they met according to a certain pattern, they were a true and pure expression of God’s church on earth. But many of these groups had the same problems of being run by overbearing, domineering leaders.
But as for the group I joined next, they were very nice on the whole, and consisted chiefly of two sub-groups: the very young and the very old. The elderly people were actually quite gracious and easy on the nerves, though they tended to think that their church was a truer expression of God’s true pattern than other churches. While most of the young people (college age and slightly younger) were also nice and laid back, there was at least one young man who was ambitious for a position of prominence. He seemed to me to be playing a few rather manipulative games to bring others under his oversight, so that he could be the leader of the “young people’s ministry.” And I had rather a lot of interaction with him, since singles (no matter their age) were also considered to fit in best in the young people’s ministry. This, combined with the fact that the group as a whole was very ingrown, was rather depressing for me, since I didn’t really find anyone I could connect with. I only lasted a few months in that group.
I decided next that I had had it with small, cutting-edge, “faithful remnant” churches, and instead tried out a large church belonging to one of the newer evangelical denominations. This church prided itself also on recognizing the priesthood of all believers and on being led by a board of elders instead of a single pastor. Their worship was certainly lively, since they had a “kickin’” praise band and a few dynamic speakers on their elder board. Their elders, moreover, knew about the abusive church I had come from, since many ex-members were now attending my new church.
I told my story to some of their elders, expecting that I would find a supportive group of people who would help me in setting myself straight. But some of their responses to me were rather surprising. For instance, in a conversation with one of their elders, I said that I thought my former church had been too authoritarian, and that we all needed to learn the concept of boundaries. “Boundaries!?” he replied. “That sounds like a psychological concept to me!” he continued, in an obvious note of disapproval. I was talking with another elder about how in my old church we had been pressured to perform, to climb the organizational ladder, to strive for a position of prominence. I said that from now on, I might just decide that my role in the church is to be a church attender and a good example of a Christian, and no more. His response: “Oh, well, that’s all right. After all, the Lord did say that he who puts his hand to the plow and turns back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.” Now, what kind of response was that? It seemed obvious to me that he was trying to use Scripture to make me feel guilty for not wanting to do more in his church.
I noticed a few other things at this church. First, that the elders took several occasions to commend certain individuals and married couples for giving themselves fully to the Lord’s work, because “our church had a workday this last weekend, and the Smiths were right there – pulling weeds, painting walls, cleaning Sunday school classrooms, the works! They were the first to come and the last to leave. They are fully on board, in full agreement with the mission of this church. The Scripture says that we are to commend and recognize such people as these, and to imitate their faith.”
I met a younger married man whose obvious aspiration for his family was to be one of these recognized couples. Our first interaction with each other consisted of him coming up to me with a look of extremely earnest care and concern on his face, putting his hand on my shoulder and saying, “We’re so glad to have you with us! How long have you been attending Church X?” His whole intent was to “minister” to me, since I was obviously a “needy soul” in his eyes. I laughed to myself. He probably thought I was his age or younger. It’s amazing how you can fool people if you work out regularly and keep your hair cut short so the gray doesn’t show! But rather than allow myself to be ministered to, I turned the tables on him and started asking him questions about himself. I found out that he and his wife had recently both graduated from a small, prestigious seminary, and that though they had only recently been married, they were ambitious to start a small group to help married couples with any struggles they might have. A commendable ambition, perhaps, though in my opinion, he might have wanted to wait a while so that others could see whether he himself was able to walk the walk before he started talking the talk.
One thing about the small group ministry at this church: the elders frequently encouraged and exhorted people to get involved in the small groups, since “growth only happens when you are in relationship with each other.” Being a newbie, a newbie who had been recently been burned by an abusive church, I wanted to hang back and check things out before I jumped into a small group. I thought, “Why don’t I get to know these people first, and see what they are like.” So I befriended another young couple and we went out to coffee after a Sunday service. The young wife began to lecture me about how I needed to get into a small group “because that’s the only way to grow in your Christian walk,” etc., and that that was how we all got to know each other so that we could help each other. I thought, “Aren’t we getting to know each other right now?” When I asked one of the elders about their small groups, he said, “We don’t leave each other alone. You see, we’re serious about holiness. We get in each other’s lives. We hold each other accountable.” But it seemed strange to me that joining a small group meant letting perfect strangers poke around in my life as a condition of joining the group, and not waiting for a level of trust to be built up first.
Another thing about the small groups was that the members did not set the agenda for the groups, but rather, the elders did. And the elders had decided that in each small group, the only topic for discussion was to be the notes from the Sunday sermons given by the elders. Members of a small group could not decide, for instance, that they wanted to study a book of the Bible on their own. It was the elders, not the members, who also chose who would be small group leaders.
I think you can tell where I’m going with this. I lasted perhaps six months in this church. To summarize my impression of them, I thought that while there were many earnest and sincere saints in that church, their leaders were rather pushy, and that there were practices and dynamics in place in the group which could lead to abuse if not very closely watched. There’s more that I could say about this church, but I have more ground to cover, because there were more churches I visited. But more on that next time…
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Saturday, October 14, 2006
Leaving, Part 1
The church I left advertised itself as being “a faithful expression of God's New Testament pattern” and that their leaders did everything “exactly in accordance with the Scriptures.” They advertised themselves as being a place for “serious Christians who really want to advance in their walk with the Lord.” Yet, unknown to most of us, the following things were going on behind closed doors:
- The head honcho was an adulterer who had forced himself on several women over a period of at least twenty, and more likely, thirty years.
- The money given by the rank-and-file every week was actually spent supporting the head honcho and his two sons, so that they could live in relative luxury while doing almost nothing.
- One of this man's sons was a wife beater and an abuser of his own children. The head honcho and his deputies knew about this for over a decade, yet consistently covered it up, spending thousands of dollars in the process. This man was put in charge of one of the churches in the group, where he practiced his abusive ways even on church members, though not to the same extent as he did with his family. His wife and one of his daughters eventually left him, and the daughter obtained a restraining order against him.
- People in the group were pressured into giving thousands of dollars and countless hours of personal time to the “work” of the head honcho. In many cases, the individuals who gave so much were ruined in the process. People who had resources but were not fully committed to the group were made into targets for gossip and character assassination.
- A subtle form of racism was practiced in all the churches of this group. Black and Hispanic people bore the brunt of it, with the severest racism being reserved for Black members of the group. In a number of cases, Black members were hindered from marrying. Also, members who were single parents were persecuted by the leadership.
- Married couples with children were told not to vaccinate their children, with the result that a number of children got serious diseases such as whooping cough.
- At least two members committed suicide because of the group.
These and many other things were occurring behind closed doors, a collection of misdeeds piling up like so much raw sewage behind closed doors, misdeeds committed both by the head honcho and by his lieutenants, until the doors couldn't be kept closed any longer and burst open. The dam-bursting event was that many people at one time became aware of the wife- and child-abusing ways of the head honcho's family, and those who knew or had witnessed the abuse and cover-up became willing to speak out. Much of that speaking-out took place on the Internet, for all the world to see. It became impossible to keep things quiet any longer.
The result for many of us was that we began to see our own experiences in the group in a new light. I, for one, began to realize the true meaning of the treatment I had received from the head honcho and his deputies, and I didn't like what I was realizing. Many others came to the same realization concerning their treatment. We began to share our experiences with each other, especially those things we had been instructed to “keep to ourselves.” The anger and pain so many of us had stuffed down for a long time came at last to the surface.
Some of us elected to stay and try to fix the system. However, I had a moment where I looked into the mirror and said to myself, “Face the facts. You know, you've been in a cult all these years.” Many others I knew had similar moments. We decided to walk away.
We walked away, knowing that we were walking away from death disguised as life, from hell dressed up as a cheap imitation of heaven, from sadists dressed as doctors, from worthless liars dressed up as the genuine article. We walked away, and were walking into – who knows what? Some of us tried to do our homework in order to prepare for the journey. We read books like “Churches that Abuse” by Ron Enroth, “The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse” by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen, and “Soul Survivor” by Philip Yancey. Some of us talked to counselors, psychotherapists and pastors. Over and over we kept hearing that we needed to find a “healthy church” where we could heal.
In my next installment, I will tell what I discovered while walking out and while walking into the outside world...
Monday, October 09, 2006
What my old church was like, Part 2
Here I will tell you about our leader and his lieutenants. Our leader claimed to be a seminary graduate with over 125 post-bachelor degree units in philosophy. He said that he used to be a pastor of a denominational church until "the Lord spole to him and showed him through the reading of the Scriptures that denominationalism was wrong." He said that the Lord also showed him the “errors” of many churches, such as having a paid clergy, making financial needs known publicly, instrumental music during worship services, and having printed programs for worship services. He said that because the Bible taught the priesthood of all believers, there should be a plurality of elders and of preaching instead of having a pastor as both head of a church and its sole preacher. He said that because of these things, the Lord led him to “start a new work, in order to recover the New Testament pattern for the Church.”
Accordingly, in each church he founded, there were a number of men who were recognized as “elders” or “leading brothers.” Also, all the men in each church were strongly pressured to come to each meeting “ready and exercised with a word to share with God’s people.” Those who were active in preaching and teaching and who aspired to increased leadership roles were commended as “being serious for the Lord,” and were looked on favorably as candidates for positions as “elders” and “leading brothers.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Bible study is a good thing, and being able to intelligently teach the Bible is good. But the way these things were worked out in our group was actually pernicious. For not only was it taught that we should all be “serious for the Lord,” but it was also taught by word and by attitudes that those who didn’t put themselves forward, who weren’t ambitious, who weren’t always trying to start or lead or initiate or preach were somehow less spiritual than those who were. This resulted in tremendous pressure to perform, with the further result that many of us became intensely competitive, constantly trying to best each other in order to gain some coveted position of leadership.
The man who founded these churches also founded “training homes” where “serious” young men and women could be “trained for the work of the Lord.” These homes were usually run by a married couple who assigned chores to the young unmarried men and/or women who lived in the homes, and who assigned “consequences” to those who did not perform their chores to the standard set by the married couple. They also charged money for “living expenses”. Several of these married couples were also leaders in the various churches started by the head honcho, and they acted as his lieutenants. These training homes were billed as a way to “grow in stature and maturity”, but they actually kept many people in an infantile state, since the married couples who ran the homes got to decide how much free time you had, what you did with your free time, whether or not you could date, whom you could date, what you could eat, etc. As I said before, this group was very active in recruiting college students. When these students were persuaded to move into the "training homes", that was frequently the end of their college careers, since they no longer had adequate time to devote to their studies. As time progressed, however, the leaders of the group became more accommodating to college students, realizing that people with degrees would earn more, and would hence be able to give more money to the group.
The head honcho taught that elders and leading brothers should be selected according to the requirements of 1 Timothy 3 concerning elders and deacons. In actuality, while he asked sometimes for input regarding candidates for leadership positions, he always made the final decision. And he made his decision, not on the basis of the character of the candidate, but on the basis of the candidate’s loyalty or usefulness to him. Thus, for instance, there were many who were selected because their families had a lot of money! There was also a lot of nepotism practiced in selecting leaders and people for favored positions, both with the head honcho and with his lieutenants. Through his lieutenants, the founder exercised great control over every church he founded. Thus it was that the head honcho selected his sons to be “elders”, even though one of them turned out to be a wife-beater.
Regarding finances, as I said before, financial accountability was frowned upon in this group. We were encouraged every week to put our money into “the box at the back of the room”, but no one of the rank and file was ever told exactly where the money went from week to week. Instead, we would occasionally be presented with video shows where a piece of land or a new SUV was bought “for the Lord’s servants” in a Third World country. The leaders boasted that they did not make their needs known publicly like so many other ministries, but that they “trusted the Lord to take care of all their needs.” In reality, there was plenty of subtle pressure exerted behind the scenes to get money from people. If it was discovered that a man or woman had money, they were zealously courted as a “key asset to the Work” and were promised a leadership position of some sort.
My purpose in telling these things has been to show why I called this group aberrant. There are many other things I could write about this group. And I haven’t even begun to tell about my experiences while in the group. Suffice it to say that it wasn’t fun. But I will move on to what it was like to leave the group and to come out into the larger world of Christendom. More on that in my next post…
Accordingly, in each church he founded, there were a number of men who were recognized as “elders” or “leading brothers.” Also, all the men in each church were strongly pressured to come to each meeting “ready and exercised with a word to share with God’s people.” Those who were active in preaching and teaching and who aspired to increased leadership roles were commended as “being serious for the Lord,” and were looked on favorably as candidates for positions as “elders” and “leading brothers.”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I think Bible study is a good thing, and being able to intelligently teach the Bible is good. But the way these things were worked out in our group was actually pernicious. For not only was it taught that we should all be “serious for the Lord,” but it was also taught by word and by attitudes that those who didn’t put themselves forward, who weren’t ambitious, who weren’t always trying to start or lead or initiate or preach were somehow less spiritual than those who were. This resulted in tremendous pressure to perform, with the further result that many of us became intensely competitive, constantly trying to best each other in order to gain some coveted position of leadership.
The man who founded these churches also founded “training homes” where “serious” young men and women could be “trained for the work of the Lord.” These homes were usually run by a married couple who assigned chores to the young unmarried men and/or women who lived in the homes, and who assigned “consequences” to those who did not perform their chores to the standard set by the married couple. They also charged money for “living expenses”. Several of these married couples were also leaders in the various churches started by the head honcho, and they acted as his lieutenants. These training homes were billed as a way to “grow in stature and maturity”, but they actually kept many people in an infantile state, since the married couples who ran the homes got to decide how much free time you had, what you did with your free time, whether or not you could date, whom you could date, what you could eat, etc. As I said before, this group was very active in recruiting college students. When these students were persuaded to move into the "training homes", that was frequently the end of their college careers, since they no longer had adequate time to devote to their studies. As time progressed, however, the leaders of the group became more accommodating to college students, realizing that people with degrees would earn more, and would hence be able to give more money to the group.
The head honcho taught that elders and leading brothers should be selected according to the requirements of 1 Timothy 3 concerning elders and deacons. In actuality, while he asked sometimes for input regarding candidates for leadership positions, he always made the final decision. And he made his decision, not on the basis of the character of the candidate, but on the basis of the candidate’s loyalty or usefulness to him. Thus, for instance, there were many who were selected because their families had a lot of money! There was also a lot of nepotism practiced in selecting leaders and people for favored positions, both with the head honcho and with his lieutenants. Through his lieutenants, the founder exercised great control over every church he founded. Thus it was that the head honcho selected his sons to be “elders”, even though one of them turned out to be a wife-beater.
Regarding finances, as I said before, financial accountability was frowned upon in this group. We were encouraged every week to put our money into “the box at the back of the room”, but no one of the rank and file was ever told exactly where the money went from week to week. Instead, we would occasionally be presented with video shows where a piece of land or a new SUV was bought “for the Lord’s servants” in a Third World country. The leaders boasted that they did not make their needs known publicly like so many other ministries, but that they “trusted the Lord to take care of all their needs.” In reality, there was plenty of subtle pressure exerted behind the scenes to get money from people. If it was discovered that a man or woman had money, they were zealously courted as a “key asset to the Work” and were promised a leadership position of some sort.
My purpose in telling these things has been to show why I called this group aberrant. There are many other things I could write about this group. And I haven’t even begun to tell about my experiences while in the group. Suffice it to say that it wasn’t fun. But I will move on to what it was like to leave the group and to come out into the larger world of Christendom. More on that in my next post…
Sunday, October 01, 2006
What my old church was like, Part 1
I told you in my last post that the church I found in college was abusive and aberrant. Let me tell a bit more about this church. I shall not name names, because of potential legal liabilities which I will explain in more detail further on. For now, let's just call them “Group X.”
Group X boasted that they obeyed the Bible exactly. They prided themselves on doing everything “according to the New Testament pattern.” When I first met them, they were constantly repeating to me Acts 2:42, “They continued steadfastly in the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and prayer, ”speaking of the practices of the early church. Group X harshly criticized other churches, saying that the other churches did not faithfully devote themselves to the apostles' teaching, fellowship, etc., but that Group X did. The leaders of Group X accused other churches of being “worldly” and “carnal”, referring to Christians from other churches as “mere believers with a bare salvation” while referring to all who belonged to Group X as “saints.”
Their meetings were deliberately simple. Their Sunday worship consisted of a bunch of men and women in a plain room (why plain? because stained glass and elaborate decorations were “carnal”). The chairs were all arranged in a semicircle. In the center was a table on which was a loaf of bread and a pitcher of wine. The women all wore pieces of cloth on their heads, in order to obey the command in 1 Corinthians 11 concerning women covering their heads in church. There was a time, usually lasting around an hour, in which men and women said prayers aloud, one at a time, with others offering up hymns and other songs from time to time. All the hymns were sung without musical instruments, because according to the leaders of Group X, “musical instruments are never mentioned as being used by the church in the Book of Acts, brother!” After that, two or three men of the group would stand up and preach on a passage of Scripture, with one of the leaders giving the final message.
As far as taking a collection of money, they did not pass a plate, but rather, there was a wooden box in the back of the room where people put their offerings. We were assured every week that the money “is used for the work of the Lord, both here and abroad,” but we never were given any kind of information about how exactly the money was spent. The Group X leaders justified not telling us where the money went by quoting 2 Kings 12:15 “Moreover they didn’t demand an accounting from the men into whose hand they delivered the money to give to those who did the work; for they dealt faithfully.” They criticized other churches for issuing financial statements or making agreements to be financially accountable, saying that these other churches “refused to trust the Lord.”
I only mentioned their Sunday morning meetings. As a matter of fact, they had lots of meetings, especially in their early days (I joined them at the tail end of their early days). At one time, a typical week might consist of the following: Sunday morning worship, Sunday lunch outreach (this meant going out two by two in suits and dresses into neighborhoods, knocking on doors and trying to get people to join the group), Sunday afternoon “ministry” (usually an extended sermon from the head honcho of the group or one of his deputies), Sunday evening “brothers' or sisters' meetings”, Wednesday “chapter summary”, Thursday prayer meeting, Friday “all night of prayer”, Saturday “tape ministry” (consisting of listening to tape recordings of sermons delivered by the head honcho of the group), and, three times a year, “seminar weekends” spent listening to the head honcho or his deputies giving a series of lectures in a stuffy, crowded room.
I mentioned the head honcho a number of times. In my next installment, I'll tell you something about the leaders of Group X and how they were chosen.
Group X boasted that they obeyed the Bible exactly. They prided themselves on doing everything “according to the New Testament pattern.” When I first met them, they were constantly repeating to me Acts 2:42, “They continued steadfastly in the apostles’ teaching and fellowship, in the breaking of bread, and prayer, ”speaking of the practices of the early church. Group X harshly criticized other churches, saying that the other churches did not faithfully devote themselves to the apostles' teaching, fellowship, etc., but that Group X did. The leaders of Group X accused other churches of being “worldly” and “carnal”, referring to Christians from other churches as “mere believers with a bare salvation” while referring to all who belonged to Group X as “saints.”
Their meetings were deliberately simple. Their Sunday worship consisted of a bunch of men and women in a plain room (why plain? because stained glass and elaborate decorations were “carnal”). The chairs were all arranged in a semicircle. In the center was a table on which was a loaf of bread and a pitcher of wine. The women all wore pieces of cloth on their heads, in order to obey the command in 1 Corinthians 11 concerning women covering their heads in church. There was a time, usually lasting around an hour, in which men and women said prayers aloud, one at a time, with others offering up hymns and other songs from time to time. All the hymns were sung without musical instruments, because according to the leaders of Group X, “musical instruments are never mentioned as being used by the church in the Book of Acts, brother!” After that, two or three men of the group would stand up and preach on a passage of Scripture, with one of the leaders giving the final message.
As far as taking a collection of money, they did not pass a plate, but rather, there was a wooden box in the back of the room where people put their offerings. We were assured every week that the money “is used for the work of the Lord, both here and abroad,” but we never were given any kind of information about how exactly the money was spent. The Group X leaders justified not telling us where the money went by quoting 2 Kings 12:15 “Moreover they didn’t demand an accounting from the men into whose hand they delivered the money to give to those who did the work; for they dealt faithfully.” They criticized other churches for issuing financial statements or making agreements to be financially accountable, saying that these other churches “refused to trust the Lord.”
I only mentioned their Sunday morning meetings. As a matter of fact, they had lots of meetings, especially in their early days (I joined them at the tail end of their early days). At one time, a typical week might consist of the following: Sunday morning worship, Sunday lunch outreach (this meant going out two by two in suits and dresses into neighborhoods, knocking on doors and trying to get people to join the group), Sunday afternoon “ministry” (usually an extended sermon from the head honcho of the group or one of his deputies), Sunday evening “brothers' or sisters' meetings”, Wednesday “chapter summary”, Thursday prayer meeting, Friday “all night of prayer”, Saturday “tape ministry” (consisting of listening to tape recordings of sermons delivered by the head honcho of the group), and, three times a year, “seminar weekends” spent listening to the head honcho or his deputies giving a series of lectures in a stuffy, crowded room.
I mentioned the head honcho a number of times. In my next installment, I'll tell you something about the leaders of Group X and how they were chosen.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
A little more information...
I told you it would take a long time to say what I need to say... Anyway, here's a bit more personal information.
I was born into a somewhat more than nominally Catholic family, although my mother comes from a more Pentecostal/signs & wonders background. I was a precocious kid and read a lot of science books which made me despair of finding God or heaven, since they all taught that we were the products of blind evolution. I grew up as a black member of a black family during the tail end of the more severe part of the civil rights struggle. I became a Christian while in junior high school.
My parents, unfortunately, split up during that time, and, being fatherless and somewhat directionless, I drifted away from the faith during high school. In fact, I drifted through high school and into the Army, where I came face to face with the fact that I could die at any time. Believe me, that will get a man thinking about the serious questions of life! As a result of that experience I turned back to Christ at the end of my enlistment and said goodbye to the Army.
Facing adulthood after the childhood I had lived through left a number of dents, dings and broken places in my soul, and I looked for a place of healing. I was going to a Lutheran church at the time and it wasn't a bad place, but I longed for something more. I always thought that the church was supposed to be a place of healing (after all, so many churches advertise themselves as such).
In my searching I found a church group which met on college campuses and seemed to be full of life and joy. They were headed by a dynamic leader who really seemed to have his act together. But what I didn't know was that they were actually an abusive group. During the two decades I met with them, I saw many of the abuses and aberrations they practiced, but I was taught to swallow it and accept it all as "God's will". Finally, about three and a half years ago I and a number of others left the group.
We who left read many books on recovering from spiritual abuse and on the need to find a "healthy church." In future posts, I will describe what it's been like looking for such a church, and how my experiences have caused me to look at the contemporary evangelical subculture in the United States.
By the way, I am still a Christian. I can recite the Apostle's Creed without crossing my fingers behind my back. But it's been a rather wild ride.
I was born into a somewhat more than nominally Catholic family, although my mother comes from a more Pentecostal/signs & wonders background. I was a precocious kid and read a lot of science books which made me despair of finding God or heaven, since they all taught that we were the products of blind evolution. I grew up as a black member of a black family during the tail end of the more severe part of the civil rights struggle. I became a Christian while in junior high school.
My parents, unfortunately, split up during that time, and, being fatherless and somewhat directionless, I drifted away from the faith during high school. In fact, I drifted through high school and into the Army, where I came face to face with the fact that I could die at any time. Believe me, that will get a man thinking about the serious questions of life! As a result of that experience I turned back to Christ at the end of my enlistment and said goodbye to the Army.
Facing adulthood after the childhood I had lived through left a number of dents, dings and broken places in my soul, and I looked for a place of healing. I was going to a Lutheran church at the time and it wasn't a bad place, but I longed for something more. I always thought that the church was supposed to be a place of healing (after all, so many churches advertise themselves as such).
In my searching I found a church group which met on college campuses and seemed to be full of life and joy. They were headed by a dynamic leader who really seemed to have his act together. But what I didn't know was that they were actually an abusive group. During the two decades I met with them, I saw many of the abuses and aberrations they practiced, but I was taught to swallow it and accept it all as "God's will". Finally, about three and a half years ago I and a number of others left the group.
We who left read many books on recovering from spiritual abuse and on the need to find a "healthy church." In future posts, I will describe what it's been like looking for such a church, and how my experiences have caused me to look at the contemporary evangelical subculture in the United States.
By the way, I am still a Christian. I can recite the Apostle's Creed without crossing my fingers behind my back. But it's been a rather wild ride.
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