Leaving, Part 2 - "Ger Sham"

The memory of where I am from
fades like a page from a Thomas guide
left to soak in the rain and bake in the sun
of this wilderness.
A stranger here, I am twice removed. – Th in SoC, 2003.

My first stop after leaving my abusive church was a group of people who structured their meetings in a manner very similar to the church I had left. In fact, there are many such groups, and they can trace their roots, more or less, to a movement which began in Ireland and England during the late 1800’s. They all believed that because they met according to a certain pattern, they were a true and pure expression of God’s church on earth. But many of these groups had the same problems of being run by overbearing, domineering leaders.

But as for the group I joined next, they were very nice on the whole, and consisted chiefly of two sub-groups: the very young and the very old. The elderly people were actually quite gracious and easy on the nerves, though they tended to think that their church was a truer expression of God’s true pattern than other churches. While most of the young people (college age and slightly younger) were also nice and laid back, there was at least one young man who was ambitious for a position of prominence. He seemed to me to be playing a few rather manipulative games to bring others under his oversight, so that he could be the leader of the “young people’s ministry.” And I had rather a lot of interaction with him, since singles (no matter their age) were also considered to fit in best in the young people’s ministry. This, combined with the fact that the group as a whole was very ingrown, was rather depressing for me, since I didn’t really find anyone I could connect with. I only lasted a few months in that group.

I decided next that I had had it with small, cutting-edge, “faithful remnant” churches, and instead tried out a large church belonging to one of the newer evangelical denominations. This church prided itself also on recognizing the priesthood of all believers and on being led by a board of elders instead of a single pastor. Their worship was certainly lively, since they had a “kickin’” praise band and a few dynamic speakers on their elder board. Their elders, moreover, knew about the abusive church I had come from, since many ex-members were now attending my new church.

I told my story to some of their elders, expecting that I would find a supportive group of people who would help me in setting myself straight. But some of their responses to me were rather surprising. For instance, in a conversation with one of their elders, I said that I thought my former church had been too authoritarian, and that we all needed to learn the concept of boundaries. “Boundaries!?” he replied. “That sounds like a psychological concept to me!” he continued, in an obvious note of disapproval. I was talking with another elder about how in my old church we had been pressured to perform, to climb the organizational ladder, to strive for a position of prominence. I said that from now on, I might just decide that my role in the church is to be a church attender and a good example of a Christian, and no more. His response: “Oh, well, that’s all right. After all, the Lord did say that he who puts his hand to the plow and turns back is not fit for the Kingdom of God.” Now, what kind of response was that? It seemed obvious to me that he was trying to use Scripture to make me feel guilty for not wanting to do more in his church.

I noticed a few other things at this church. First, that the elders took several occasions to commend certain individuals and married couples for giving themselves fully to the Lord’s work, because “our church had a workday this last weekend, and the Smiths were right there – pulling weeds, painting walls, cleaning Sunday school classrooms, the works! They were the first to come and the last to leave. They are fully on board, in full agreement with the mission of this church. The Scripture says that we are to commend and recognize such people as these, and to imitate their faith.”

I met a younger married man whose obvious aspiration for his family was to be one of these recognized couples. Our first interaction with each other consisted of him coming up to me with a look of extremely earnest care and concern on his face, putting his hand on my shoulder and saying, “We’re so glad to have you with us! How long have you been attending Church X?” His whole intent was to “minister” to me, since I was obviously a “needy soul” in his eyes. I laughed to myself. He probably thought I was his age or younger. It’s amazing how you can fool people if you work out regularly and keep your hair cut short so the gray doesn’t show! But rather than allow myself to be ministered to, I turned the tables on him and started asking him questions about himself. I found out that he and his wife had recently both graduated from a small, prestigious seminary, and that though they had only recently been married, they were ambitious to start a small group to help married couples with any struggles they might have. A commendable ambition, perhaps, though in my opinion, he might have wanted to wait a while so that others could see whether he himself was able to walk the walk before he started talking the talk.

One thing about the small group ministry at this church: the elders frequently encouraged and exhorted people to get involved in the small groups, since “growth only happens when you are in relationship with each other.” Being a newbie, a newbie who had been recently been burned by an abusive church, I wanted to hang back and check things out before I jumped into a small group. I thought, “Why don’t I get to know these people first, and see what they are like.” So I befriended another young couple and we went out to coffee after a Sunday service. The young wife began to lecture me about how I needed to get into a small group “because that’s the only way to grow in your Christian walk,” etc., and that that was how we all got to know each other so that we could help each other. I thought, “Aren’t we getting to know each other right now?” When I asked one of the elders about their small groups, he said, “We don’t leave each other alone. You see, we’re serious about holiness. We get in each other’s lives. We hold each other accountable.” But it seemed strange to me that joining a small group meant letting perfect strangers poke around in my life as a condition of joining the group, and not waiting for a level of trust to be built up first.

Another thing about the small groups was that the members did not set the agenda for the groups, but rather, the elders did. And the elders had decided that in each small group, the only topic for discussion was to be the notes from the Sunday sermons given by the elders. Members of a small group could not decide, for instance, that they wanted to study a book of the Bible on their own. It was the elders, not the members, who also chose who would be small group leaders.

I think you can tell where I’m going with this. I lasted perhaps six months in this church. To summarize my impression of them, I thought that while there were many earnest and sincere saints in that church, their leaders were rather pushy, and that there were practices and dynamics in place in the group which could lead to abuse if not very closely watched. There’s more that I could say about this church, but I have more ground to cover, because there were more churches I visited. But more on that next time…